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How Can I Help Her Stay Independent?
April 4, 2008
Q. My mother is 84,has always been very independent and wants to stay in her own home. I promised that I would do whatever it takes to help make that happen. After a hospitalization last month I can see that she needs more help, which she stubbornly refuses. I'm very concerned about her, but what can I do?
A. Ah yes, “The Promise.” We want to help our parents to maintain their independence, to help them out of love and respect. Sometimes we get lucky, and the circumstances of health, finances, family support and timing all come together in our favor.
Aging is all about changing, however. Just as often, striving to keep things just as they are has the opposite effect, and robs them of the ability to make their own choices. Just because you made “The Promise,” doesn’t mean you still don’t need to have “The Conversation.”
Here are some things you can both consider to help you get started:
1. Independence is about being able to make your own choices. It’s a good time for you to help her learn about her options. Many people of that generation are afraid of being “put in a home." She has many new choices to explore, such as in-home help, remodeling for safety, and other residential possibilities which offer increasing levels of care as the need changes. It's not only be hard to think about, but also to get out and explore them. You can help her get back in the driver’s seat.
To get started, get a copy of the free booklet “Residential Options for Hawaii’s Seniors” published by the Hawaii Association of Case Managers. Bring your laptop, or visit an internet café together, and have fun taking a virtual tour of various assisted living or retirement communities. Then visit a few together, have lunch, tour and join in some activities.
2. Good health is key to successfully ‘aging in place.’ We know that activity and exercise, good nutrition and social interaction are important. A consultation with a geriatric physician can be an important way to make sure that you are on top of things such as medication interactions, and other issues related to aging.
3. Falls are the leading factor contributing to loss of independence. It’s believed that most are preventable. Project Dana, 945-3736, offers free home safety assessments. Tai chi is great for improving balance. Consider that even normal grieving, or possibly depression, cause a loss of concentration that can also contribute to falls.
4. Seniors living alone feel vulnerable, and find it difficult to accept help from people who are, let’s face it, strangers at first. An independent woman who has taken care of her family all her life has a big transition to make. Start slow and stress that this may be the key to hanging on to that independence. Talking with friends and neighbors who have found solutions can be easier than accepting help from your adult children. Choose in-home help with great care.
Enjoy your time with your Mom. A tender moment, a simple expression of appreciation for who she is, can create a sharing connection that makes all the difference.
Read these past Questions & Answers, just click on the title.
